Today I went on my first train journey in nine months, which has felt like an incredibly long time. It was only a two mile journey which lasted all of five minutes but it was a huge step for me. Let me explain why.
I went on my last train journey in November 2021, which was a trip courtesy of West Midlands Trains who had very kindly gifted me tickets to use anywhere on their extensive rail network. I decided to use the tickets to go from Birmingham Moor Street to Stratford-Upon-Avon, returned, then went from Birmingham New Street to Redditch and finally back to University, where I caught a CrossCountry train back to Glocuester. At that point, I had no idea that it would be my last train trip for another nine months. I had an additional two tickets that West Midlands Trains gifted me and thought I would be able to utilise them, but sadly never did. I can’t thank West Midlands Trains enough for the tickets because even though I couldn’t manage to use all of them, I did tick off some new route for my challenge which I always love. Unfortunately I was never able to write a blog about the day, as I usually would, but I still enjoyed the trip nonetheless.
After that trip, my mental health took one dip after another. There were many reasons for this.
The first was that at the end of 2021 and the beginning of 2022; I experienced a very traumatic time at school that I truly wish had never happened. It has left me with permanent mental scars which I will have to live with, and I still experience terrifying flashbacks on a fairly regular basis. After my parents and I managed to sort out an alternative education provision, I thought my life might be able to get back on some sort of straight track – to use a train analogy. How wrong was I?
I was managing to cope a little better and started to work on some graphic design projects, my side passion, for a few people in the railway and other industries. I designed logos, Art Deco posters, t-shirts among other things. I still didn’t quite feel able to get back on the rails, but I was definitely feeling more confident after a lot of amazing support from professionals and people I would consider friends in the railway industry.
Now we were in May and my life was about to take another massive hit. My Grandad had been extremely poorly for the best part of three years but his health suddenly took a big dip. After a long battle with Motor Neurone Disease, he sadly passed away. That tore me apart. This was the first time I had lost anybody I was close to, and just felt extremely numb.
A little side, train related, story about the day my Grandad passed.The afternoon I got the news that he had died, was the same afternoon that a special Great Western Railway Intercity Express Train, with eye-catching Trainbow stripes, was on its last service in its current livery design. I knew that Trainbow was imminently being renamed, as GWR very kindly invited me to the train naming where it was set to be named after Alan Turing. Sadly, I couldn’t make the event as my Grandad’s passing was still too raw for my mum and me. I am honoured though that GWR invited me, as that really is something that has always been a dream for me. Trainbow was due to be coming to Cheltenham Spa, and would pass my local train photography spot. I was planning to go and take a photo of Trainbow on its final day, and even after hearing the sad news about my Grandad, I was still determined to go out and see it. So my dad drove me 5 minutes to the bridge in Haresfield and I waited to get a glimpse of it. I must say it was raining, but I was still set on seeing it. As I saw the train approaching I put my hand up, as I usually do to acknowledge the train, and it unusually gave me a little toot of the horn. I felt at that moment, it was my Grandad saying goodbye to me. From that point forward I knew it was always going to be known as my Grandad’s train.
Following my Grandad’s death, I tried to live my life as normally as I could but that wouldn’t last for long. A few weeks later, a close railway friend of mine sadly passed away unexpectedly. They were only in their 20s. That on top of everything else tipped the balance between coping and not coping. I found myself spending most of the day in bed as I was so mentally exhausted and didn’t really know what to do. The urge to harm myself came back and I was at a real low. I couldn’t even really leave the house for over a week.
Luckily the summer holidays were only a few weeks away at this point and that felt like a manageable step to get to, as all the stress from my education provision would be taken away. However, all my routine, that I kind of had, would disappear overnight which I knew would be challenging.
As the summer holidays approached, I started looking at steps I could take to get back on the railways, and continue with my challenge of travelling all of Britain’s amazing railway network. They were little but hopefully manageable steps to get me to my end goal of getting on a train.
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Now back to the current time and how I came about getting on a train.
I thought I was going on our usual walk into Stroud (with my mum, dad and dog) from just outside Stonehouse, along the canal. We had a few jobs we needed to do in Stroud, so it felt like there was a purpose to get out of the house. We walked our normal route on the way in but on the way back we did something a bit different.
After walking into Stroud, we thought we would get a coffee (and some cake for me). It was starting to spit with rain so thought we would sit under the shelter in the quaint Stroud station. It would also enable me to tick off one of my steps, which was to go to a station. As we walked into the station, we noticed there was a train heading back to Cheltenham Spa (1G11 11:54 Stroud to Cheltenham Spa), which handily called at Stonehouse. My dad suggested that, as my mum was tired, he would walk back to the car, we would get the train back to Stonehouse and then he would pick us up at the station. I was a bit apprehensive at first, but I thought I might enjoy it and it would tick another step off (going on a short journey).
We bought the tickets and my dad then left to walk back, leaving my mum, dog and me at the station. The train wasn’t for another 15 or so minutes so it gave my dad a head start to get back to the car to pick us up. I was getting a bit nervous about it being busy or not liking it but that couldn’t have been further away from what it was like.
The train rolled in smoothly and the doors beeped and buzzed, a sound I hadn’t heard for many months. It felt great to be taking the big step up onto the train – physically and figuratively. The coach we sat in (D) was quiet. We therefore were able to get a table seat. It was only a five minute journey but even so it was nice to have the space. I held my mum’s hand as we left and I could feel the buzz I get from travelling come back. I even felt a slight smile coming on.
Even though it was only a two mile journey, this was a huge step for me to get back out on the rails, and gave me much needed confidence.
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