Something a little different to my usual blogs but I wanted to share this piece of writing I produced reflecting on Christmas Day this year. A lot of people who are grieving loved ones at this time of year find they have, understandably, a whole host of difficult to understand emotions. This post is purely my experiences of what it has felt like missing someone at Christmas, but hopefully people in similar situations might be able to relate – even just a tiny bit.
Christmas felt like there was a missing piece today. Not seeing his face light up opening all the carefully selected gifts, not seeing him enjoy one more of his favourite Christmas Dinners, not seeing him open up the tin of Quality Streets and picking out all his favourite flavoured chocolates, not being there to have a laugh with about the Christmas gifts we had been given and not being able to hold his hand or give him a hug.
I don’t think any Christmas is ever the same once you have lost a loved one. Everybody brings there own ideas of the most thought through presents, jokes (even the cheesy dad ones that only dads can pull off), skills to expertly create a Christmas dinner and the love that only that person can only ever give to you. It’s once you have lost the person you remember all the amazing things they used to do.
The past few Christmases have been strange, not seeing any family on the big day itself – we’ve got the pandemic to thank for that! Only being able to see, well virtually, through a screen whilst being on the tenth video call of the day! It’s not the same as being able to physically give someone a hug or snuggle up with them on the chilly winters evenings. Don’t get me wrong video calls, especially for people like myself who struggle with the constant interaction with any humans and wears them out, are absolutely amazing but it’s just not the same as being there in person with a loved one. I haven’t seen any family on Christmas Day itself for a good couple of years, we would try and meet up maybe in a cafe or a quick visit to someone’s house but couldn’t spend any time together. I guess looking back now the last time, and one of the only times I can remember, I properly saw my Grandad on the day itself was three years ago. That’s three years too long. The time you can never get back.
Don’t get me wrong Coronavirus wasn’t the only limiting factor, me being unwell and not feeling up to see people for the past couple of years hasn’t helped matters. I feel bad for me and my parents not getting to spend the quality time with our family, but unfortunately there ain’t a lot we can do about that. All I can say is not having your loved one sat at the Christmas table, and watching them carefully select what there’re going to eat next or go back for seconds (maybe even thirds), makes you really think about the time you spend with family.
I know that ‘Christmas is just a day’ but it feels more than that. Having the unusual, sometimes wacky, presents, or eating more than you ever thought you could eat, or going for a walk and everyone you meet being seasonally jolly and most importantly seeing loved family makes it more than ‘just a day’ as it most certainly is a day that only comes around once a year and that’s for a reason. The well thought out presents from relatives you might not see very frequently, or the ones you see every day, makes it feel different than just getting money in an envelope. Eating sometimes silly amounts of food means that, I don’t think, you could physically eat that much every day of the year. Going for a walk and everybody you see saying hello or wishing you a merry Christmas when every other day of the year people are engrossed in their phones or got headphones in. And most importantly, I think, seeing family for a period of time that you wouldn’t usually spend with them – no matter how tiring or challenging it might be for people like me.
Christmas will never be the same without you Grandad and I wish we could spend one more hour or even minute together. Squeeze my hand one last time or giving you a hug and getting your signature wink of approval from you. Love you 💔
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